This is a little bit Mel, isn't it?

Dear Certain Indie Director,

I am writing you a letter of sincere concern regarding your last Major Motion Picture about a certain Indie Excursion starring three certain brothers to a certain land in the occident. I was certainly somewhat disappointed with it, and feel the need to point out, as formerly a Numero Uno Fan, what I felt could have been done to improve this certain situation.

1) You needed a better script. Certain Indie Director, You Mini Auteur, you Young Scorcese, you have a visual sense akin to the greats - Fellini, Bergman, Tati, Lynch, but your scripts... Your scripts... how can I say this? Lack Heart. You need a certain Mainstream Hollywood Star to certainly help you to recreate the magic that once breathed so freely in stories that were obviously inspired by a certain hermit novelist. This certain Mainstream Hollywood Star seems like a nice man, has a dog, and certainly does not seem to be up to much of anything, which is why I think he would jump at the opportunity to work with you again on this or any project. You make a beautiful pair, and you should certainly be working together again in the very near future.

2) Please don't be so rich. Something about how rich your characters always are is starting to irk me - being a middle class so and so, it definitely did not irk me when they were middle class so and sos, but your characters wealth is beginning to accumulate out of all possible realms of feasibility or sympathy, and to be honest, I no longer care.

3) You need stronger female characters. This has never lacked in your previous films, but this certain Indie Epic Adventure in a certain land in the Orient felt like the most mysoginist and woman hating of all of your features thus far. I know this is not how you mean to be perceived, and have more faith in your abilities than that, so for both of our sakes, just consider a strong young lady in your next film. May I suggest... (or is it too obvious) a certain ex-pregnant teenage Canadian so and so who was nominated for a certain Academy Award?

4) If all else fails, try a tv series. I've always felt you had it in you. Think Twin Peaks but better.

If you adhere to any of these four stipulations I would be ever so grateful, and return to being your Fan Numero Uno. If not, then, Certain Indie Mini Auteur, I thank you for the joy your early films have already brought me.

All the best,

Miss Pearson

PS: Three words and three words only... The Cohen Brothers. Sic Transit Gloria is a choice, not an inevitability.